I used to hear stories about people shaving their heads for various reasons and think-that's crazy, I could never, would never, do that.
I had short hair for a large part of my childhood. One time in grade 6 my mom 'accidentally' gave me a pixie cut. When the woman at the flu clinic complimented my mom on her 3 boys instead of her 2 boys and 1 darling daughter, I finally was allowed to get my ears pierced....so that was nice.
From that point on the goal was to grow my hair long. As long as it could grow. At one point I got annoyed with my growing, always frizzy hair and decided it would be a good idea to chop it all off. I went into the salon with hair past my shoulders and came out with it just below my ears. When I went to wash my hair the next day I cried because there was nothing there. I felt like a boy. 'Never again' I told myself. I'm growing it long.
Grow it long.
Grow it long.
Grow it long.
After our meeting with the dermatologist, my boyfriend (aka Paul, aka the boy, aka Hilly) and I made a quick pit stop at the hair salon. Now that a doctor had formally told me he thought it was something other than alopecia I had renewed hope. I thought that if I trimmed some length off of my hair it somehow would make less of it fall out. Less length to pull on, less wear and tear...or something like that.
We walked into the the salon which seemed pretty busy at the time. I asked if there might be an appointment available at some point that day but unfortunately they were all booked up.
'What is it you're looking for?' the hairstylist asked
At which point I removed my scarf and explained my situation.
'Can you wait 10 minutes?'
Now this is something that I think is important for everyone to remember: People are generally good. There's some crappy people around for sure but for the most part, people are good.
The woman who was in the seat at the time I walked in offered her spot to me saying that she could wait. Nobody gawked or stared, the hair dresser was incredibly professional and I got to feel a bit like my normal self.
After my hair cut was finished I pulled out my wallet to pay but my money was not accepted.
'You don't owe me anything' he said 'It was my pleasure. I'm glad I could help.'
Why? Because people are good.
The next day we left on our road trip to Seattle and Vancouver to visit some friends. Under the cover of a hat it looked like I had just gotten a haircut but upon removal of my new security blanket my friends were (understandably) shocked. Shocked but incredibly supportive and loving which is exactly what I needed.
A week later we were back home. A week of wearing hats and scarves in the hot summer sun. A week of being increasingly upset every time I looked in the mirror. A week of watching even more of my hair fall out.
Finally, I'd had enough.
I had talked about shaving my head about a week and a half into my hair loss misadventures. Losing your hair is one thing but having to watch it fall out bit by bit, day by day is like a never ending horror movie. As much as I wanted to stop watching it fall out, I hesitated because I whole heartedly thought it would stop. I never in a MILLION years thought that I would end up bald, so I held off. Why shave all my hair if I wasn't going to lose it all anyway?
I was also scared. I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle being a bald woman, I didn't know how my head was going to look and I didn't know how people were going to react. And, more importantly, I was absolutely terrified that this would be the last time that I would ever see hair on my head. My own hair anyway.
So I held on to it, a little longer than I should have (not that there's a reason I should not have or an appropriate time frame for making these kinds of decisions) until with a lot of love and support from the boy, I took the plunge. I was so sick of letting my hair run/ruin my life. So sick of vacuuming up hair everyday, cleaning out clumps of hair out of my brush, looking like friggin Gollum from Lord of the Rings and freaking out every time I got in the shower thinking my dried hair balls were spiders.
I was still terrified at the thought of being bald and still a bit traumatized from my first wig shopping experience so I was left in a bit of a pickle. How the hell was I going to do this?? That's when Paul made a suggestion....if you're going to wear a wig, why don't you make it LOOK like a wig??
Yes. This could work. Not only would I be taking control of the situation by shaving my head, I was going to wear a WIG. No awkward questions because it would be obvious. No worries about showing my bald head because I would have a WIG. And if people want to look, LET THEM LOOK! Because I am a bad ass mofo and you know nothing about my story. (Besides, I always wanted pink hair).
Wig shopping the second time around was a much different experience. I was in a different head space and it felt good. I was a woman on a mission and I was ready to get 'er done. Paul and I spent the full day shopping for wigs, going from store to store until I was finally satisfied. At the end of the day I went home with... A blonde bob (that still looked like a wig but was looked just real enough in case I wimped out when the time came), a PLATINUM blonde bob for my Marilyn Monroe days, and my personal favourite... The purple bob (because they didn't have pink).
{Also, quick side note: mad love to the boy who equates shopping with 'a fate worse than death'. He didn't complain once as I dragged him all over the city. You=the best xx}
When we got home it was head shave time. As much as I was ready for it to happen I was still nervous so I made the boy use a longer blade to start. As I put the towel over my shoulders and felt the first wave of hair fall off my head, I felt....
Relieved.
So unbelievably relieved.
I didn't even cry. I thought for sure I was going to lose it and have some sort of Britney-esque style melt down, but...it didn't happen. I didn't shed a single tear. Instead, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, there was nothing left to worry about because there was nothing there anymore.
After deciding that using the blade on the clippers was really a waste of time, I let the the boy take it off and trim my remaining hairs as short as they would go. When he was all done I turned around and looked at him with my newly bald head.
'Well, what do you think?' I asked
'I think it suits you'
Next week: 'You shaved your head! That's so cool!'
'Well actually....'
#alopecia #alopeciaawareness #autoimmune #thebaldmovement #baldisbeautiful #bebrave
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